Things Women Can't Do

This is a segment I plan to do on a regular basis called "Things Women Can't Do". I feel that since women are pretty much incapable of doing anything, I have a whole hell of a lot of potential for this work. Today's issue we are going to address in the large world of things women can't do is: write music.

I recently made the mistake of tuning my radio to something that doesn't feature a shitload of loud guitars and a dude screaming what could pass for gibberish in a demonic voice. Bad idea. I was treated to some whiny bitch with an out-of-tune acoustic guitar screeching in a high-pitched voice about how strong she was. At first I thought it was a Japanese girl having an orgasm, but halfway through my furious masturbation, I started listening to the lyrics. This gave me a softy at record speed and actually managed to ruin my sex drive for the next 37 hours.

Why is it women never write any songs that really kick ass? Name one female songwriter who wasn't totally worthless. Janis Joplin? Go fuck yourself. Everyone knows that Janis Joplin was a cyborg built with a robotic penis which was concealed in an effort to further confuse men who don't look closely enough. Any other female songwriter who manages to top any charts only did so because some man helped her out. Maybe he did it out of pity, maybe he lost a bet. I can't tell you why it happened, I can
only tell you that it happened.

Every song I ever hear a woman write is always some lame bullshit about how in love they are, or how strong/independent/really fucking annoying they are. Songs written by "strong" "independent" "beautiful on the inside because their outside is disgusting and they can't get laid" type
women are so terrible they make me want to kill myself. I wish this were an audio recording so you could hear the complete and utter despair in my voice at the thought of listening to one more feminist ballad. I'd rather be sodomized with a Starbucks gift card made of razor blades than listen to that shit for one more second.

The more I think about it, as depressing as it may be, the more I come to the realization that perhaps women are stuck in a songwriting rut. They're one note, if you'll allow the pun. They're either singing songs about the same old "I'm a whiny cunt who thinks women deserve equality" bullshit or they're trying to copy the sound that a man invented. The fact of the matter is, only men can identify with fighting an epic battle against monsters with green acid shooting out of their eyes while entrails rain down from the sky. Women need to write songs that are real and original. And since women can't think for themselves, I have decided to put together a list of song names that all you budding female artists out there can get to work on.

- I Feel Lost And Scared Outside Of The Kitchen
- My Husband Performed The Atomic Leg Drop On Me And I'm Fucking Grateful
- I Sure Hope I Don't Get Poisoned For Being A Total Bitch
- The "I Got Poisoned For Being A Total Bitch" Blues
- Ode To The Dishes
- A Man Wrote This Song, But I'll Probably Take All The Credit Anyway
- Nope, My Guitar Still Isn't Tuned Properly
- Give The Power Back (Rage Against The Machine Cover)

There, now all I can do is pray that these bitches get to work. Hopefully all the threatening letters I sent will help, too.

Get the fuck over to NO MA'AM if you want to read this article with better coding. There's some pretty good stuff I didn't write there as well.