Even more things women can't do

Holy Christ in a crystal cathedral! It’s time for another hilariously insightful edition of “Things Women Can’t Do”. Thanks to women, the idiot sidekicks of men, attempting to do things that everyone knows they aren’t capable of, I’ve made even more observations to serve as a warning for all the women out there and a reminder for all men of how much better we are.

-Police Work

Seriously, the police are fucking awesome. If some parasite is stealing my TV, trying to stab me in the heart while I sleep, or even just minding his own business, I can call the police and they’ll promptly show up at my house and shoot him. That is if I get a male police officer to come by.

Female cops suck. They hesitate to draw their weapons, they can’t fight for shit, and they constantly accuse male suspects of trying to molest them. News flash, ladies: If the dude you’re trying to arrest really wanted to rape you, he’d break the shitty hold you have on him, kick you in the face, get to raping and laugh his ass off while you sat there crying. I should know, I’ve done it before. But the fact of the matter is: No female cop is worth raping because they’re all so god damned ugly. You never hear about a male officer accusing some ugly-ass crackhead skank of molesting him, do you? No, because men know how to enjoy a good molestation.

The only purpose female cops serve is to entertain men like myself when they’re on Cops. If you ever hear laughter from miles away peppered with vagina-based taunts, you’re probably near my house while I’m watching Cops and some dipshit female officer is trying to bring down some guy but just can’t fucking do it. There’s nothing more amusing than some stupid whore who watches far too many Lifetime movies trying to overpower a man, which is scientifically impossible.

The most sickening display of this bullshit theory that women might make competent members of our police force is a new show entitled “Saving Grace”. Whereas one might assume it’s an awesome show where some guy has to save a dumb bitch named Grace from a shitstorm she got herself into for the express purpose of kicking her ass for being so stupid, it’s actually about a female cop named Grace who “is struggling to get along in a man’s world”. I wish I was just kidding, but that really is what they say in the previews. If I were a writer on this show, I would totally put way more full frontal nudity and explosions in the show. I would also eliminate the character “Grace” and rename the show “Holy Shit! It’s A Straight Hour Of Full Frontal Nudity And Explosions!”

- Have Sex Properly

How many times in your life have you had to deal with some dumb whore, comedian, wife, stranger, or otherwise complaining about her not having an orgasm after some guy fucked her and squirted all over her hair without permission? Every time I hear a “Joke” written by some woman about sex, it’s always about how she believes her man is incompetent in the sack. Here’s an idea, ladies: Maybe you’re the complete fuck-ups when it comes to sex.

Think about it logically. Every time a man has sex with a woman, he will inevitably ejaculate. Period. We know how to have sex. You don’t. You sit around like some kind of stupid colostomy-chugger while we work our asses off, and then you have the nerve to bitch at us about your lack of orgasms? You need to try a little harder, whores. Your lack of a work ethic is not my emergency. Maybe it would be easier if your gaping snatches weren’t so fucking wide. Our dicks aren’t small, your jiners are huge. Maybe if you quit putting tampons up there every few weeks to pleasure yourself (menstruation, my ass) you would actually derive a little pleasure from the almighty cock.

- Say the word “Umbrella”

Recently some stupid whore on MTV came out with a really shitty song called “Under My Umbrella”. Not only has she committed the unforgivable crime of stealing a kickass Incubus song title, but she can’t even pronounce the god damned word right.

In the song, she repeatedly says a whole bunch of shit you can’t understand because she can’t fucking sing (another thing women in general can’t do) while throwing in the phrase “Under my umbrella” in every once in a while in a futile attempt at balancing out the incomprehensible bullshit with something we can actually understand. Unfortunately, the bitch knows nothing about how musical eight-counts work and throws in an extra syllable for the word “Umbrella”. Instead of saying it properly (IPA: Əmbr’εlƏ), she adds in an extra schwa right after the b, so now we have an r-colored schwa adding an unnecessary syllable to the word as well as a new secondary stressed syllable (IPA:`ƏmbƏr’εlƏ) and making her look like a complete retard.

I understand that even though all men on this site understood what I was saying completely, our less intelligent (read: female) readers may not have understood the simple lecture in the workings of the International Phonetic Alphabet. To put it simply: The stupid snatch-goblin says “Umberrella” instead of “Umbrella”.

Moving on, it has been brought to my attention that I have failed to point out one of the most important things women can’t do:

- Write for NO MA’AM

This should be an obvious one, but some women have actually had the nerve to ask if they could write a rebuttal to my articles and post them. The answer is NO! No woman will ever have a guest article on this site and they most definitely won’t have a staff spot. Get over it and keep posting your stupid feelings in MySpace bulletins you dumb broads.