Stop fucking clingy, you clingy fucking whore

I recently saw an article on a news site that dared to “go there” by filling women in on the annoying shit they do. The article was entitled “Four Signs That You May Be Too Clingy”. While I’m impressed that Yahoo! News would put up an article of this type, I was upset at their poor attempt at diplomatically informing women of why they’re so fucking annoying.

What I’m attempting to do here is a journalistic language experiment. I’m going to strip off all the colorful euphemisms used in a wuss-likr attempt to spare the reader’s feelings and translate exactly what is really being said in the article, they way God intended.

Needy Sign 1: Your Over-Under on Daily Phone Calls is Two*

Fine, you need to check in once during the day to see if you’re set for dinner, and then once again later in the day just to fill him in on what happened to your boss/friend/grandmom, or just to say hello. You make more calls than that? The unspoken message is that maybe you don’t trust him, or don’t have enough to do yourself, or are relying too much on him for everyday satisfaction. All are turn-offs-and, in all likelihood, grounds for tuning out.
* Three, if you have kids.

This guy is far too lenient with his phone call limit. When we say two, we mean zero. We don’t want to talk to you and we definitely don’t want to listen to your lame-ass stories about what happened today and how it made you feel. If we want to talk, we’ll call you. If you should ever receive one of those calls, this is how it will go:

WOMAN: Hello?

MAN: I’m coming over for sex. Be naked when I arrive or pay the price.

WOMAN: But I-

MAN: And if there isn’t a large pizza and a six of Sam Adam’s or better on the table, you’re gonna be in a world of hurt.

WOMAN: Why are you-

*click*

Needy Sign 2: You Insist on a Joint E-mail Account

Oh, how nice it is when “Bob and Karen@yahoo” can e-mail “Joe and Linda@yahoo” to set up the night at the Italian place on the 20th. Not really.

While there’s no problem with joint bank accounts, joint car loans, and joint mortgages, there’s a not so subtle message that’s sent to guys when their Internet activity is being monitored like it’s under the eyes of a 24-hour surveillance camera: That you don’t trust him a lick.

There’s certainly some dangerous ground online (and I can’t deny that plenty of men abuse their electronic privacy), but tightening the cyber-noose too much in the beginning of a relationship can send the signal to a man that he’s not going to have an iota of privacy anytime or anywhere.

Here’s the simplified version, ladies. You’re not going to read our e-mails. You’ll never guess our password, and this feeble attempt at trickery isn’t going to work on even the most dimwitted of men because they’re still more clever than the smartest woman in the world. Why is that? Because an orangutan with cancer could easily best any woman in a game of chess. I have clinical studies and a Harvard professor’s testimony to prove it. What do you have? Nothing but sour grapes because Clyde beat your ass at chess.

It’s not like the idea of a joint e-mail is irritating only for men. As much as we hate your stupid-ass chain letters and inspiring/overly-cute/totally gay stories about animals or children or something else that is only good for eating, you probably aren’t the least bit interested in our inbox either. Think about it: You can’t understand any of the complicated business transactions we do via e-mail, and I usually like to keep in touch with my local bordello in this manner as well because I ran out of anytime minutes.

Needy Sign 3: You Update Him on the Latest Celebrity Gossip

Granted, a lot of men don’t like to talk. And granted, a lot of men could be more talkative, better listeners, and more of an emotional sounding board for their partners (Ed note: BULLSHIT). But some men are like cars - they have only so much emotional and conversational fuel before they run out of gas. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with banter about such inane stuff as Britney, Lindsay, or who’s dating whom, but do that too often with a guy, and he may wonder if there’s something wrong with your other social networks - which would make him think that he’s going to be obligated to carry more of the social weight than he’s ready to handle.

To put it simply: it’s pathetic enough that you obsess over untalented losers who got famous because they’re good-looking; but talking about it in public brings your loser quotient to an unspeakably high number (Hint: It’s more than infinity). Please, for the love of all that is Holy, do not attempt to drag us down with you or we will stomp your ass back to Hell.

Needy Sign 4: You Don’t Have Your Own Poker Night

Get this: 64 percent of men say they’re happy to have time to themselves when their girlfriends have plans. A lot of men want their ladies to go out and do stuff on their own, whether it’s through hobbies or socializing or working. One, that away-from-each-other time ensures that women have their own independent outlets. And two, it gives men a chance to have their own testosterone release. If this doesn’t happen - at least occasionally - resentment and frustration can build, because the unspoken message is that you may not have enough of your own independence to respect his.

Once again, artful synonyms hide the truth: You need to get the fuck out of our houses. We need constant time to ourselves. When we want you around us, we’ll keep you there. When we want you gone, you’ll be outside our doors with a dull pain in your ass.

That’s all for today, ladies and gents. Hopefully you dumbass broads have wised up by now.