My badass daycare

Recently my badass brother and I have decided that since we hate children so much, we ought to do something about it. So we are going to start our own daycare service. A daycare service where you can leave your kids know that they will leech on society no longer.

We will call our daycare center the Blood Gardens Daycare and Diamond Mine. Why will we call it a diamond mine as well? Simple, we will have the children toil in our underground, gas-filled diamond mine. Sure, there aren't any diamonds in Utah, but kids are stupid and will never guess that. It will also teach your kids that no matter how hard you may labor, your work shall always end up fruitless and unappreciated because you suck. Plus, it will give us an excuse to beat your kids when they don't bring back any diamonds. And if your kids are crafty enough to steal diamonds from a store, or a piece of jewelry; we will praise them for stealing, and then beat them for stealing. This will teach a very important lesson: You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

Don't think it's all work and no play at Blood Gardens. We have all of the greatest places for your child to play in. Stainless steel slides ensure that the slide will be hot as hell all the time. And if it isn't, we promise to blast the playground equipment with flamethrowers until it is! That's just how much we care (about torturing children) at Blood Gardens. And none of this bullshit woodchips to fill the ground beneath the playground. We'll use some really motivational surface. Searing hot coals. It will encourage your children that time is of the essence, especially since shoes are to remain indoors during playtime. As an additional bonus to the playground, we will have a bed of spikes beneath the monkey bars. This will encourage your children to be strong and agile, lest they wish to incur the insufferable agony of being impaled.

After play time, we have the daily fight. We will choose two random children, and pit them in a fight to the death for our own amusement. There is no real thing for your children to learn, we just need a good laugh every now and then.

At the end of the day, just before you come to pick up your kids, we wil select the most wuss-infected, pussy-ass kid in the bunch (probably the one who cried the most), cover him in pig blood, and throw him into our shark tank, where the rest of the children can cool off during the summertime. (Note: For kickass purposes, the shark tank will never be cleaned) If, however, no kids happen to cry through the whole day, we will select four kids at random and subject them to the same fate. This will encourage dishonesty and betrayal amongst the rest of the children. They will learn that sometimes you must cut off a hand to save an arm.

Open enrollment is happening at this very moment, we hope to see you in the fall!