A deeply personal article

First off, sometimes my dick itches like hell. And I'm not talking crabs or anything like that, I'm talking good old-fashioned sweaty balls itch. God dammit, that bothers me. Usually this itch creeps up on me when I'm in an acting class and I'm right in the middle of a scene. An itchy schlong can definitely be a problem at a time like that. I usually just go for a good ole' reach-in-the-pants-and-scratch technique if it's bad enough. There's no problem with the direct approach. And there I stand, my arm in my pants up to the elbow, and my hand doing all it can to relieve the terrible itch. And on top of all this, I'm straining to remember my lines. Well, I just say fuck it and say my character got an itch on his dick and can't talk until he takes care of business.

Another complaint I have: there are no special soaps or apricot scrubs for the testicles. They make all these stupid-ass scrubs and shit for the face, why not for the balls? I've been told it's because people see your face more, but I show my balls to practically everyone I see. They probably scream so much because my scrote hasn't been properly moisturized with the power of aloe vera. I'm sure if my nuts were a bit more presentable, I'd go to jail far less.

And another thing, why is it I can never remember to zip up my pants when I drink just a little bit? Even if I've only had one beer, I completely forget about zipping. I can remember really complicated stuff, I can remember my PIN, I can remember who I shouldn't call. Why is zipping up a pair of pants such a difficult task? I'm sitting on a couch with my pubes sticking out, wondering why no ladies want to sit next to me. And nobody is curteous enough to point out that my fly is down. So I've come up with a solution: I light my pubes on fire after I take a leak. People are always willing to tell you that you have a flaming crotch. Either that, or they ask if you're a natural redhead. Either way, it spells out a big-ass warning for me.

Was that personal enough?