Bitch, stop fucking around with that bottle cap

A lot of people wonder how I come up with such awesome rants. They're never satisfied when I tell them to fuck off, so I decided to keep a journal of my thoughts for one day from the moment I woke up unti the moment I went back to sleep. This should give you nosey little shits some insight.

Am I awake now? I hope not. I'm scheduled to be dreaming about sex with a big-titted Japanese chick right now. I don't think I am though, I must be awake. Fuck. What time is it? God dammit, I have to leave for work in an hour. Son of a bitch. Why can't I just steal the first Louis Vitton purse I see? Oh right. The whole jail and sodomy thing. Lousy laws and their inability to not apply to me. How long have I been standing around the apartment cursing to myself about this now? Fuck, I'm late for work!

Holy shit, this subway smells. Like children. When I'm rich I think I'll just hire Christopher Walken to folow me around obliterating people that I don't like eyeballing me from existence. That ought to solve my problem in a hurry. Great, the bus is late. I really need to steal a car. But then we're back to the whole sodomy problem. Holy shit. This bus was parked right down the fucking street and the only reason it wasn't here on time was because Dipshit McGee was chit chatting her fucking cell phone? I'm adding this disease-laden whore to the list of bus drivers I'm going to kill when I decide to go crazy. I wish this asshole next to me would shut the hell up. He hasn't even started talking yet and I'm already pissed. Why did leave my murdering knife at home? I could really use it right now.

Finally at work. That dude who can speak Cantonese is here, too. Maybe he'll teach me how to say "I hope your cock falls off". Nope, looks like today's phrase is "Good morning". Fuck. I was hoping I could expand my asswipe attitude into other languages. Holy shit, this dog has a squeaky bark. And this other one sounds like a demon-possessed girl being strangled with barbwire. I wonder if I could kick them across the room and blame it on one of the really big dogs. Dammit, I'm stuck here for five more hours. At least i get my lunch break now. Oh goody. I only get to eat sushi once in a while, and my boss has to ruin everything by farting as she walks by. You're not even going to acknowledge your misdeed, are you? I think I'll piss in the coffee for the next week. Not for recenge or anything, I just need a good laugh. God, I hope my co-workers get dysentary. That ought to liven things up around here. Did that bitch who works up front say I can go home now? I can't tell with her blindingly terrible accent. You would think spending three years in this country would improve it, but you would think wrong

Why is the bus so late? And why is this bitch kicking a bottle cap around? It's starting to piss me off. Bitch, stop fucking around with that bottle cap. Cut it the fuck out. Now. Oh, good. You kicked it near me. Maybe if I throw it in the trash while I sneer at you, you'll get the point. Did you just find another bottle cap and start kicking it around? You did. You just can't take a fucking hint, can you? That's it. When the bus comes, I'm throwing your ass in front of it.

I can't believe I didn't throw her ass in front of the bus. Now she's standing at the front, despite the open seat next to her, with an iPod in her hand instead of her empty pocket. Wait just a damn minute. That thing isn't even turned on! You rotten fuckpit. You're just trying to look cool aren't you? I'm really tempted to yell "look out!" and laugh my ass off when the bus driver slams on the brakes and you go flying through that big-ass windshield.

Ah, some relaxing time playing video games at the ole' LAN house should make me forget my troubles. Oh, great. Some transvestite is blasting some shitty-ass singer. They provide headphones at this place, but this thing elects to blast that shit through the speakers anyway. Oh, good. They're throwing it out. Too bad they won't throw out this creep on the computer next to me. He looks like he hasn't bathed in... ever. And the fact that he keeps switching between a loop of the Full House theme and a gay porn site is unsettling to say the very least. Just try and concentrate on the game. What the hell are these two little kids staring over my shoulder for? Didn't they pay for their own time? I think I'll tell them to go fuck themselves. Ha ha! Look at em cry! God dammit, my time ran out.

I hate walking home after dark in this town. The amount of homeless dudes wearing brand new shoes is frightening. I wonder if they eat the shoes when they get really hungry. They probably have some sort of secret bum recipe that makes shoes delicious. Maybe I'll interrogate one of them later. But I left my interrogation kit at home. Maybe that dude over their will let me borrow his car and a set of calipers for a minute. Nah, he keeps ranting in gibberish and swinging a knife dangerously close to my face. Best leave him be.

My bed sure does look comfortable. Too bad it isn't. Fucking bed. I wish I didn't have a bed so I could sleep on the floor and get back problems like the old days. Ah, sleep is nice. Wait a minute. Am I awake again. Fuck.

And so begins another typical day in the life of the Dumpster Keeper. Now send me some fucking money.