Halloween sucks now

Earlier today I saw some halloween decorations that featured Frankenstein. This wasn't the normal badass Frankenstein that goes around smashing people's livers into tiny pieces with a simple punch to the abdomen, but some rosey-cheeked wuss with no desire to kill. It was at this time that I realized I forgot to murder somebody.

Why does halloween suck now? Halloween used to be the shit! Now everywhere I go I see fairy costumes for both girls AND boys, and there aren't any scary decorations. Somebody has mormoned the hell out of haloween and I want to know how they have avoided my ass-beatings. Speaking of mormons, once a year some major bullshit goes down here in SLC, Utah. If halloween falls on a sunday (like it did last year), the mormons celebrate it on saturday instead. Apparently halloween is too evil to celebrate on sunday, but Satan's presence is just minor enough that they can still celebrate it on a different day. A round of applause goes to the LDS church for once again showing massive amounts of inconsistency.

Remember the good old days of halloween? The days when there weren't any cutesy decorations and the nicest thing that somebody did to someone else was chop off their head and stab their grandparents to death? Halloween used to mean something! Now it's just another bullshit holiday that nobody gives a rat's ass about.

Back when haloween kicked ass there were no children running around in costumes sucking some old guy's dick for a tiny packet of sweet tarts. There were no ghosts with long eyelashes singing in a barber shop quartet. There were only murderous creatures going on a fucking rampage. Ghouls would rip off the heads of children and use the blood that gushed from their necks as a bidet. Banshees would roam the streets shouting obseneties and castrating men they thought were their husbands. I have decided that in order to renew the true halloween spirit, I will do all of those things this year on October 31st. Check your local newspaper for my mugshot the day after.