The Internet sucks

I cannot fucking stand the internet. I just can't take it anymore. There are very few positive aspects of it. There's my page, and that's about it. Look at all the ridiculous shit on it! There's nothing but fucking "Jack off the monkey and win a vat of monkey semen" ads everywhere. If that weren't bad enough, anyone who wants can access it!

The worst part of the internet has got to be web forums. UGH! Whoever invented them needs to be shot in the face 50 times in a manner that will allow them to live so I can place flesh-eating beetles in the bullet holes on their face. All I see is douche bags bitching about everything. No matter how much of a retard someone on a web forum is, they always think they're the coolest, funniest, smartest guy on the planet! Listen, unless you're a man made from the spliced DNA of Samuel L. Jackson, George Carlin, and me you are not any of the three.

If their digusting personalities weren't enough to make you want to hurl a fucking brick through their window causing shards of glass to imbed themselves in their eye sockets, they actually type shit, too. If you spend more than 5 minutes on a popular forum, you CAN AND WILL get polio. Polio sucks ass, and so does anyone who frequently posts on forums, so if you meet someone with polio, be sure to stomp on their face for a few hours, because they are obviously some forum-hopping douche bag.

They love using their fucking abbreviations. That's right, type a few less letters. That'll avert carpal tunnel syndrome. The letter "u" is two letters shorter than the word "you", yet can be used as a subsitute for the word "you", making your message much more efficient as well as putting that much less strain on your ever-so-fragile fingers, you fucking scrotum wart! If I see one more dickhole use "u, ur, lol, rofl, omg" or any other vile abbreviation, I will rip his spine out of his back, and stuff it back down his pupils sideways.

Even using these in a satirical manner bugs the piss out of me. "OMGWTFBBQ!!1ONE!" Wow, you took something that we read all the time and used it to make fun of the party! You're a fucking comdeic genius! Somebody give this guy a sitcom! Better yet, why not just smack him in the back of the head with a hardended steel girder for a couple hundred days? It's not funny if any asswipe out there can think of it on the fly. Get over yourself and go watch Napoleon Dynamite a few more times you fucking nimrod.

Emoticons are getting severly out of hand as well. I hated them back when they were a colon and a parentheses, and now that have evolved into upright-walking garbage. I've seen asswipes making text versions of Kirby. KIRBY SUCKS! If you don't know who Kirby is, he's a pink ball of pussywipe who stars in a bunch of Nintendo games. Why in God's name would you make a text version of that little asshole? If you're going to make a text version of something, make it badass. Do a text Paul Bunyan.

Paul Bunyan was a badass. He was hundreds of feet tall, he ate lightning, and punched a crater into some guy's face just to prove that he could. He took a shit in Washington, and that shit hardened and became what we all know today as Mt. Saint Helens. Even if he didn't have volcanic turds, Paul Bunyan is still hundreds of feet tall, and carries a giant fucking axe whereever he goes. I've made a comic of what would happen if Paul ever met Kirby to prove that Paul is definately more badass.

See? Pink Puffy Pussy couldn't last two seconds against Almighty Paul! Now get the hell off of my site you leet-speaking assbiter.