Why metal videos kick ass

The time has come this year to vote for the best Headbangers Ball videos of 2006. Since we all know the metal is the most kickass genre of music out there, a genre that MTV can't even fuck up by showing it, the videos for it are going to fucking rule. All of the videos can be watched and voted on until your eyes bleed (which won't take long) here. For those of you that can't read very well (probably the meanest sons of bitches browsing my site), click on "vote".

There are a lot of metal video traditions pioneered by greats like Iron Maiden and Metallica (in the not-shitty days) that seem to get better with age, so I'm going to point out which videos you should vote for and what kickass traditions they used. Our first kickass video is:

DragonForce: "Operation Ground And Pound"

"Why does this video kick ass?" you say? A better question is, "Where the fuck are your testicles? Did you lose them in granny's purse next to a nasty-ass butterscotch candy and a tampon that's obviously just there for show?" Just watch this video and tell me there aren't enough explosions. Three seconds into the video and we already get to see an explosion reflected in the singer's eye while the guitarists shred like it's National Rule At The Guitar Day. A mic flies out of nowhere (probably summoned by Jesus himself) and the lead singer catches it without even looking. Time to burn a tree to ashes. In the first twenty seconds of the video we've already seen a barren wasteland of destruction, explosions, a tree getting what it had coming, and we get to have our asses rocked by the only guy in the world who can make a keytar look cool all at once. If there's one thing DragonForce doesn't do in videos, it's waste time. Right after that, they throw in about 10 more explosions, some lightning, and they decide it's time disintigrate a building or two just for the hell of it. By the time we get to the chorus, some starships have shown up to help out with the awesomeness, because DragonForce commands such power that they can summon ships from another galaxy to help them blow shit up at will. After about 50 mountains have been reduced to ashes from atomic explosions caused by far too much rocking, it's time for a solo. In order for a solo to be properly executed in this video, the two guitarists decide to put the destruction on hold for a minute so they can go play video games. I'm not shitting you. After game time is over, they go back to destroying the planet. DragonForce has actually kicked so much ass by now that they decided to be dicks and crash the very ships they summoned and shoot lightning bolts out of their instruments while they do it. When the video ends, they show their infinite mercy by returning the planet to it's normal condition. I'm pretty sure they blew it up anyway after they finished shooting the video, though.

You can't possibly pack more explosions into three minutes, but since you can vote on as many videos as you like as many times as you like, another one that deserves a vote is:

Black Label Society: "Concrete Jungle"

One of the best animated videos I've seen in a long time. It starts out with a hot chick driving around in an awesome car with a demon on the undercarriage. You think the demon is going to eat her face for driving with a vagina, but she turns out to kick mroe ass than she lets on by dropping that demon off the undercarriage and leaving to get his ass beat by nuns with big-ass sticks. After a little bit, we see that Zakk Wylde is actually riding in the back of the car, possibly using his super powers to control the hot chick's mind. He keeps up his liesurely drive through hell on earth, observing dudes in suits getting eaten by a bigger dude in a suit, and junkies drinking diet shakes because the chick on TV they masturbate to was advertising it. After a while, Zakk gets bored, so he decides to allow a tentacle monster of some type burst out of the tallest building in the city. The best part about this is that the monster actually thinks it stands a chance against Zakk Wylde and starts chasing him through a tunnel leading to the bridge out of town. Zakk is not one to take shit from tentacle monsters, so he throws his guitar out of the window and blows the monster up while the hot chick driver gives him the "fuck me" eyes. The video ends with cartoon Zakk driving through a mass of tentacles and turning into the real life Zakk Wylde. Zakk stares into the camera as if to say "Did I give you permission to breathe, you worthless, weak vermin?". Cut to black. End video.

The last video on the list is probably one of the most kick ass I have seen in many years. There are few other bands out there that could make a video that kicks more ass than:

Lamb of God: "Red Neck"

Holy shit, this is a fucking video to end all other videos. It starts out by tricking you into thinking that a douche bag with a guitar is going to sing to his daughter, but his dumbass wife cuts him off and decides to unknowingly call up Lamb of God to play at their daughter's birthday party. Lamb of God shows up tearing ass in the awesome tour bus full of beer and strippers, but it's not time for them to show up yet. First they have to run over some toys, knock over the snacks table and send their greasy roadies out to put drink. steal the pinata candy, and set up the stage. Lamb of God finally decides to come out of the bus in a cloud of smoke and starts thrashing like the bad sons of bitches they are. The kids at the party all start crying and covering their ears, but this only encourages Lamb of God to play louder. The best part of the video is when the party clown gets pissed and starts yelling at Lamb of God to turn their shit down, but they weren't going to take shit from some asswipe wearing makeup and a funny hat. So they punch him right in the fucking face and he goes down like the sack of turds he is. The video ends with the singer passing out in the kiddie pool.

There are a lot of other great videos up this year, so be sure to watch them all. And send me some money for showing you the light.