This is how I spend my weekends

I receive e-mails calling me a loser with no life on a practically daily basis. I might be offended if this weren't so inarguably true. Though I can't see how going out for a night of liver damage, STD's, prospective blackmail, and possible homocides constitutes a healthy social life, I'll agree that what I do with my spare time can barely be considered productive.

Usually my weekends consist of doing the same shit on World of Warcraft that I did for the last 78 weeks, unhealthy amounts of masturbation, and lots of crying. Sometimes I'll do all three at the same time just to change things up. If I find some extra time I'll stand around in my underwear staring at the various dried-up spit balls on my wall while I shovel Cocoa Pebbles into my mouth. But this weekend was different.

As usual, I left my new job on Friday night. I had trouble finding my way home because I consumed more vodka than usual that day because I was pretty sure they were getting ready to fire me for drinking on the job and telling our most rich clients to take one up the ass. Once I got home I spent a fruitless hour trying to figure out why I have never held a job for more than three months. I woke up on Sunday morning in the bushes outside of my apartment building.

Not bothering to question what happened to Saturday or why I had elected to sleep in my landlord's vegetable garden, I made my way to the store to buy snacks for the Super Bowl beacuse it would be just plain un-American if I didn't eat food that was really bad for me while I sat around on my ass watching the most popular sporting event in America. So I decided to go with beef jerky, those pink and white sprinkled animal cracker things, and Dr. Pepper. Bad idea. Shortly after cramming said ingredients into my gaping maw, I discovered that these things combined give you the most disgusting farts ever. Don't ever try it. Unless someone in your home has been pissing you off and needs to learn to shut their gob. Squeezing off something this vile directly into their mouth while they're blah-blah-blah-ing can really show them a thing or two about pissing you off. On a completely unrelated topic, if you live in the Hollywood area and are looking for a roommate, please contact me.