An exclusive interview with Adam Sandler
Living in Hollywood allows me to celebreties on an almost daily basis. Normally, I don't give much of a shit, but something felt different today when I saw Adam Sandler. Maybe it was the music blasting from obnoxious fuckwipe's car. Or maybe it was the fact that I chewed my sleeping pills and washed them down with ten shots of whiskey. Whatever it was, I decided to appraoch Adam and threaten him until he decided he wanted to live by granting me an interview. As luck would have it, I remembered to bring my tape recorder. What follows is an interview with a comedy legend.
The Dumpster Keeper: Nice to have you here today, Mr. Sandler. How are you feeling?
Adam Sandler: I would feel better if you weren't holding that machete so close to my neck.
TDK: Too fucking bad. Now, I heard that you and Rob Schneider have gotten totally gay with each other like, fifty times. Is that true?
AS: What the hell are you talking about? No!
TDK: Bullshit. I'd believe you if the smelly homeless man shitting in an ash tray outside of my grocery store weren't more credible. Next question: Why is your face rapidly changing from different colors which mortal men could never imagine?
AS: Are you crazy or something? What the fuck am I saying?! Look at you!
TDK: That's hardly an explanation, Adam. Now are you going to start talking or will I have to cut you?
AS: Listen, I ptomise I won't tell the cops about you, just let me out of this filthy crack house and I'll find my way home.
TDK: I'll have you know this is my apartment. You try finding something better for $1450 a month in this city.
AS: I'm sorry. Could you at least tie me up with rope instead of rusty barbed wire?
TDK: Mighty fuck! Did you grow up in the Pansy-Ass-Bitch-With-No-Cock-To-Speak-Of District? Next you'll want your genitals back
It gets kinda hazy after that, and it turns out that my tape recorder was just a piece of cheese. I might have gotten some ass, though. If not, I'll still have Adam's corpse for later. So I guess all's well that ends well. Not for Adam though. He's dead.