Shut up and watch the damned movie

Recently I had the opportunity to see a kickass movie called 300. If you haven't heard of this movie, it means you either:

A) Don't have a penis, or
B) Have a penis and don't deserve it

Either way, your computer privileges are revoked. Kindly turn off the computer so the real men out there can continue reading without the thought of you trying to comprehend this article making them so disgusted that they get a sudden, very severe case of instantaneous death.

Now that that's taken care of, I need to discuss what could have made this movie better for all the men out there. It pretty much had everything you could want in a movie: war, violence, tits, lots of screaming, but the one thing it lacked is a rule that should have been heavily enforced:

NO WOMEN ALLOWED IN THE THEATER AT ANY TIME! NO EXCEPTIONS!

I would have enjoyed this movie about 500 times more if some stupid hag behind me hadn't ruined the whole damn thing. She laughed at moments in which nobody was laughing, possibly because the whore kept checking her text messages to see if one of her equally irritating friends had sent her some unfunny, poorly spelled joke. Or maybe she was just trying to fit in with all the men staring on in awe at the awesomeness of this movie with joy in their eyes and smiles on their faces.

If the latter was indeed the case, I feel it's time to set the record straight. Men don't stare at a kickass (e.g. violent) movie and smile because it amuses us. We gaze in admiration. We have a deep reverence for all the hard-working men who made such an awesome film. I say hard-working men because everyone knows that no woman has ever made a kickass movie.

I know that some of you guys out there with smaller, less hairy (possibly of your own volition) testicles are thinking, "Hey, that's not fair to ban women from going to movies just because they're women". To that I would normally say "Go fuck yourself", but since I need as many men to side with me on this matter as I can, I'll compromise. Women may be allowed into theaters, as long as they sit perfectly still and don't make a fucking sound. If they choose to violate these two sacred, easy-to-follow rules, they are allowed one slap in the face from each man in the theater. Not only would this give women incentive to shut their holes at the movie theater (for once), but it would also give men the incentive to go to movies more often.

This article is also hosted by my fellow masculists at NO MA'AM