Whatever your sign, you fail at life
I really fucking hate astrology. Everyone in LA is into this stupid bullshit. They find common personality traits they share with others born in the same arbitrary time frame and act like the alignment of the planets had something to do with it. Maybe you're both just dipshits and there's nothing else to it. Either way, whatever house Saturn is in isn't going to stop me from selling your grandmother to a Ghanaian whore house if you keep bringing up my sign.
What sign am I, you ask? Why don't you tell me, motherfucker? You seem to always have known somebody was whatever sign they were after they tell you. Since you're such a goddamned expert, you should be able to tell what the fuck I am by now. Or maybe you're just identifying a common trait that everyone shares at one moment or another and acting like it's specific to me and only me.
The worst type of these know-it-all motherfuckers are the kind who post (or worse: re-post) MySpace bullshititens with positive traits that are specific to your sign. I saw one recently that I have to ridicule simply because it's too fucking easy and you little shits have been spamming me with e-mails that say "i can hz moar updates plx?".
once you have opened this bulletin, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictionist. Read your sign, then repost this in a new bulletin with your zodiac sign and label. If u dont repost this, u will have bad luck for as long as it says in your description!!
I like how the asswipe who wrote this shit tries to validate whatever lukewarm liquid turds she's about to shove down your throat by saying they were in a book. Notice how I use the pronoun "she" because women are the primary believers and investors when it comes to astrology. Ever notice whenever someone has a shitty argument they try and act like it must be true because it's in a book? If their logic is indeed true, I intend on writing a book which says all Japanese hookers are required to go to my house once per month and grab my penis with their vaginas.
V • I • R • G • O: The Whore
Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness.Great kisser. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
Wait just a fucking minute. How do you know what everything I ever wanted is? Unless the bitch is a plasma screen TV with every game console ever made and a machine that periodically dispenses hot pastrami sandwiches hooked up to it, you're way off. I've also noticed that you call Virgo the whore, but describe them as loyal and "the one and only". I'm pretty sure a chick who takes money for sex is far beyond loyal.
S • C • O • R • P • I • O: The lover
Can be mean somtimes, and will Probably knock your ass out, if crossed the wrong way!! EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
Contradictions abound in the second fucking paragraph. Apparently the "Ultimate Sexiness" described in our previous paragraph is nothing compared to the ugly-ass scorpios I've met, which, as it turns out, are "The sexiest ever". I'm starting to become more confident that the book these were taken from was peppered with "lol".
L • I • B • R • A: The sex addict
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna fuck with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible.Rare 2 find. Funny. Talkitive. Erotic. Smart. loves sports. gets what he/she wants. Loves to be in a relationship. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
Did you say "Amazing in Bed"? No, you fucking didn't. You said "Amazing n Bed".
Here are two quick tips that won't earn you a slug to the back of the skull from yours truly:
1. Bed is not a proper noun, tard.
2. I jerked off in your city's water supply. Enjoy drinking and bathing in my semen. I know that's not a tip, but I figured now was an appropriate time to gloat.
I know anyone with a trace amount of intelligence reading this is about ready to go on a stabbing spree, so I'll give you one more before murder time.
My sign:
C • A • N • C • E • R: Most Amazing Kisser
Very high sex appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
Not even close. The one woman I had sex with one time didn't even want to do it in the first place. That's what chloroform is for. My love may be one of a kind, but most of the time we just call it a rare strain of genital herpes. And unless you consider kneeling in front of my recliner so I finally have somewhere to put my feet/beer/sharp objects romantic, you're in for a suprise. Not a fighter? I fight all the time. Fighting is fun, especially when you have a whiskey bottle to help you. That's why they don't allow me in the Kaiser Permanente maternity ward anymore.
Footnote: I'm aware that Maddox already did an article on astrology. Bach wrote a symphony once, and that didn't stop Beethoven's ugly ass from writing a way better one.