Snow White is a masterpiece of shit

I work at a dog kennel. There is a TV in the daycare area, because dogs just love to watch TV. On top of that, the only thing available for watching is a collection of Disney movies, because I guess anything else would offend the dogs who are busy eating turds and can't be bothered to watch TV. Either that or it might give me something to do while they sleep and hump each other for hours. That might make me happy, and they'll have none of that! So now I'm set with a choice between watching Disney movies and sitting around picking my ass for seven hours. As appealing as the latter sounds, it may result in a stern lecture.

Watching these movies has made me realize that Disney movies, though they may be hailed as masterpieces by critics and parents alike, are incredibly shitty and only receive such praise because they are wholesome and intended for children. I can and will prove this by showing examples from Disney's very first full-length animated feature: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This movies is considered to be one of the very best of it's kind, but right off the bat I can prove that Disney sucks. First mistake: "Dwarves", not "dwarfs" is the plural for "Dwarf" If Disney is such a genius, I would suspect that he could master the English language at the very least.

The movie starts out with the title character singing in a piercingly high voice. The Queen gets annoyed as hell and seeks reassurance from her all-knowing mirror.

This is the first thing in the movie we need to address. How did the mirror get a face? And how does it seem to know everything. You can't just say something is magical. Magic has laws just like science. A wizard has to cast a spell because arcane energy is retarded and just sits around like a jock during a physics lecture until a sorcerer of some type does something with it. Now, the face has to come from somewhere, and the movie gives a clue as to its origin. It's a man who speaks in rhymes. Using this clue, I am inclined to believe that the Queen traveled forward in time, killed The Riddler, trapped his soul within a black diamond recovered from the mountain of sorrow, came back to her time and bound the diamond containing his soul to the mirror. This was a pretty bitchy move, but we'll forgive her because The Riddler is a douche bag.

As for the omniscience, everybody knows that there is only one way to know something you normally wouldn't: consuming the brain of a newborn human. Problem is, it only works once per brain, so she would have to have a large supply of them available. To explain this, we need only two words: brood mare.

After she finds out that Snow White is hotter than she, the queen decides to off that bitch. So she hires a fat fuck to do the job because the Queen is busy and can't be bothered with horseshit like murdering her stepdaughter for the sake of superficiality. When said fatass is about to bring on the murder and secure a place in the book of Badassicus, he decides to tell Snow White all about the Queen's awesome plan. One would think he was pulling off the classic idea of telling your victim about the nefarious work afoot before you kill them, but he was actually bitching out and warning her to run away. Snow White then behaves like a typical woman and refuses to face her fears. She runs away to live with a bunch of dwarves.

Herein lies another problem I have with the movie: Those were NOT real dwarves. One should never confuse fat, bearded midgets with dwarves. Ever. Dwarves are 28 inch piles of ale-drinking, fist-fighting, rage-fueled destruction. The things featured in this movie were disgusting sacks of hemorrhoids. The only one who came close to being worth a shit was Grumpy. Unfortunately, his heart was softened by Snow White's musical bullshit by the end of the movie.

Later on, fat shit brings a pig heart back to the Queen, so she gets super pissed and decides to execute what could be called one of the worst ideas in history. She plans to change herself into an ugly old hag and use Snow White's idiotic trust in others to trick her into eating a poisoned apple. While I can appreciate the irony, this plan is fucking retarded. For one thing, it's far too convoluted. That's quite an awful long way to go to kill someone. You would that that somebody as evil as the Queen wouldn't have a need for such complex trickery. She was just hiring some random guy to cut out her heart, and NOW she decides that the death of enemy must be sophisticated? Bullshit. Also, why does she think she'll be fairest in the land after she turns herself into a rank-ass geriatric? She would have to kill every other woman in the land to be so declared. And even then, she would only be fairest by default.

Ignoring all this, Disney decides to progress the plot by showing the Queen kill Snow White.The movie should have ended this way, but the writers instead elected to pull out a dues ex machina like none other before. Rather than giving Snow White a proper burial, they decide to put her in a glass coffin like she's fucking Lenin. And on top of all that, a necropheliac prince decides to start making out with her when nobody is looking, thus waking her from her magically induced sleep. With no excuse readily available for kissing a dead chick, the prince plays along, marries her and continues to fuck corpses behind her back. The end.

As you can see, Disney movies have been shitty from the start. I'll add more as time goes on, just in case you aren't convinced yet.