It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a shitty movie!

No, I'm not talking about Superman Returns. Who gives a shit about Superman? Some asswipe from another planet who just makes up new powers all the time and has practically no weaknesses is fucking boring. I'm not going to pay $11.25 to watch a movie about some intergalactic power gamer who wears a costume made out of gym mats.

No, the piece of shit I'm talking about is called My Super Ex-Girlfriend. The previews seem pretty normal for the first minute or two. Just some dude who wants to bang a kind-of-hot-but-not-really-once-you-figure-out-how-fucking-old-she-is chick. But then all of a sudden you find out she's a super hero. Stupidity ensues. Listen, you Hollywood assholes. I live just down the street from you and I'm not afraid to take a ten-minute walk to kick your ass. You can't just change the premise of the movie right in the fucking middle like that. Either you're writing a movie about a dude who looks like Tom Cruise with a giant fucking jaw who, for reasons unknown, actually wants to have sex with Uma Thurman; or you write a movie about Uma Thurman tormenting some asswipe with her super powers. Wait a minute. Scratch that. You don't write either of those, let alone combine them into one monstrous pile of garbage. I want to know who gave this piece of shit the green light. I want to know who read the script and in an undoubtably drug or gun-to-the-face induced flight of imbecilic contempt for cinema, decided that this wasn't going to be worse than The Hulk. I seriously never thought I'd see a preview for a movie and think to myself, "Wow! Watching Bruce Banner cry like a bitch for three hours with only about fifteen minutes of the movie's title character popping in for a few unsatisfying minutes would be WAY better than this".

Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it's one of those movies that's funny as hell because it's so fucking terrible. I mean, it was written by a dude who was a staff writer on The Simpsons. What's that? It wasn't Conan O'Brien? And the dude has only written 7 really shitty episodes? And they all came out after 2000? Nevermind, it just sucks.