Not for the faint of ass

Recently, I decided that my already insanely high level of badassery needed to be increased. So, I decided to rent Prince Of Persia: Warrior Within. This game sucks ass. You go around as some little wuss bucket with a 12-year-old's version of a beard that can't fight worth a shit. The game's camera sucks, and the combat system consists mainly of blocking and running away. Big, fuckin' warrior. I guess the warrior within was out taking a shit or something, because this asshole couldn't fight his way out of a damned nursing home, which would have been extremly badass.

A much better game is called God Of War. This game will jump right out of the case and try to bite your face off. So right away you'll have to wrestle it into submission and cram it into your PS2 before it snaps your children in half like a #2 pencil. After you finish tending the wounds the game gives you, it's time to start playing. You play as Kratos, the badass among badasses. Right off the bat it puts you on a rainy boat full of zombie skeletons that need murdering, and you are not going to disappoint. After you've murdered a shitload of these guys, it's time to kill a giant Hydra. If the little shit tries to eat you, you pry his jaw open, jump out, and stab him in the eye for even thinking that he could take your ass out. Kratos is a fucking real man.

He needs a key from the captain of the ship to unlock a door containing all of the ship's women. Not kidding. We all know what Kratos is gonna do as soon as he gets that key too. So he finds the captain. The captain gets eaten by the hydra. Does Kratos sit around and cry like a little bitch? Hell no! He impales the Hydra's head on a sharp mast that he made sharp by using the hydra's head to break it, and goes inside the hydra to find the captain. Not too far down the throat, the captain is hanging on for dear life, hoping that he doesn't fall into the hydra's stomach. Kratos grabs the captain's arm, and the captain starts saying "I didn't think you would come back for me." Just as you think Kratos is taking a turn for the wuss, he says "I didn't come back for you", snatches the key from the captain, and tosses the pudgey fartfucker down the hydra's throat. He unlocks the hot chick room to find they have all been murdered by some zombies he missed. So he punishes the zombies by cutting them in half. Vertically!! That's the most badass way to cut anyone in half! And when you think this game can not possibly become more badass, even after the first level, it throws you something better. Tits! That's right. Big, nice, awesome looking tits go right on screen. How could this game get any better, you ask? They decided that not only must tits be present, but they must once again prove how God damned manly Kratos is. There are two naked chicks lying on his bed, asking to do him. Not only does he do them, but afterward essentially tells them to get their shit and get the fuck off his boat. This guy has his fucking priorities set! Even the objectives are badass. Here's the synopsis of one: "You need this guy's skull. Go and rip it off his neck!" The only thing God Of War is missing is an original soundtrack by Pantera, or possibly Killswitch Engage. Go get it, right fucking now!