The Vans Warped Tour: What sucks and what doesn't
I just went to a badass music fest that most people know about. If you don't know what the Warped Tour is, you obviously suck and should get the hell off of my site.
There, now that all those suck-ass ass-suckers are gone we can get down to buisiness. A short list of what sucked and what didn't suck about the Warped Tour. For this list, I shall rate things on a suckiness scale that ranges from The Suckiest Thing Ever to The most badass thing ever.
First up is waiting in line. Yes, you indeed must wait in line to get in. As badass as it would be to just open the gates and let us fight our way in, there are pussies out there who are afraid of getting trampled, and shouldn't have been here in the first place. As much as waiting in line sucked by itself, it was not without additional suckiness factors. One problem was the asswipes waiting in line with me. The main problem is that they were alive, and not dead. Also, they are all fucking idiots. It was hot as hell outside (get back on that later), so I had to tie my hair back to avoid unnecessary extra heat. First thing I hear from some bitch standing behind me is "He's got a ponytail, what a freak.". I'm at a fucking punk rock festival, people are walking past me with their hair sticking up in 36 inch purple spikes while they wear kilts, and I'm the freak. Very observant you dumb bitch.
Final suckiness score: Sucks more than a Hoover (The vaccum or J. Edgar, your choice)
Next up we have the heat. It was FUCKING HOT there. When I got there at 10 in the morning, it was 90 degrees, and throughout the entire day it reached a high of 105. It was extremly fucking hot. I would have been better off eating hot coals and shitting out lava right where I stood. And once again, the people proved to make the heat much more unbearable. There were retarded goth retards there who decided to wear their full-on goth gear. This gear included: a big-ass black trenchcoat, heavy black jeans, a black turtleneck, and a black shithouse goth band t-shirt underneath. And not only that, but these little mutants were bitching about how fucking hot it was. Here's a God damned hint: DON'T DRESS UP LIKE A FUCKNG MORON TO A 10 HOUR OUTDOOR MUSIC FESTIVAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT CLIMATE.
This once again proves that the world would be much better off without goths. I would get pissed less, there would be a decline in shitty poetry, and everyone would party all the time because all goths are dead.
Final suckiness score: The suckiest thing ever
Next up we have the girls there. It was pretty badass, considering the hot-as-balls weather drove most of the girls to take off their shirts. However, this also caused all of the obese, goth, or just plain unsightly girls to do the same. If you are a girl at the warped tour, please compare your body to the following two pictures to decide whether or not removing an article of clothing is wise.
Final suckiness score: Kind of sucky, but could have been worse
Last, but not least, we have the entire reason I went there. The music. There were lots and lots of badass bands, some famous, some not (though I can't quite understand why such badass bands wouldn't be famous). There was lots of musical and rocking fun to be had, it was the best $25 I ever fucking spent, and one time I spent $25 to have Japan's 50 hottest women give me a full body massage while I ate ham and cheese sandwiches. The moshing was fucking awesome as well. And if you don't mosh, fuck yourself and die right now. Do it. Have you fucked yourself and died yet? If not, you had better like moshing. There is no better way to enjoy music and bond with your fellow man than by beating the everliving shit out of him.
Final suckiness score: Not sucky, but actually badass
Hopefully next year's Warped Tour will be just as badass, but with less fatass goths. I know it won't happen, but I can dream, can't I?