Women can't write jokes

So, I recently recieved a nauseating e-mail forward that contained really shitty misandrist jokes. So, being the clever son-of-a-bitch that I am, I decided to re-write the jokes from the man's point of view.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Texas. "And they say blondes are dumb?

One day my whore wife made a smartass comment to me after I had been merciful enough to not kill her for not washing my shirt and decided to do it myself just to prove how much smarter I am. When I quizzed her about what she should do if she were washing it, she decided to try and flip the question around on me. So I decided to be really clever like usual and made a hilarious joke and she came back with a biting but shitty and cliched remark about blondes. Her funeral is this Sunday. Just kidding, I wouldn't spend good money on a funeral for that bitch. It's a meat hook in some low-rate university for you, cunt.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"

A couple is lying in bed. The man decides not to rip her intestines out and dance around with them and tells her how happy she'll be about it. She decides to be a snide bitch about it, so he changes his mind and kills her. Ha ha!

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

"I'm walking around naked today to show off my cock. How are you gonna explain this one to the neighbors without looking like a psychotic moron?" "(insert non-clever remark here)" *slap*

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said, "It's your lucky day, whore. Get on top and ride." She said, "lol, men just sit around and fart". He said, "That's it. Cowgirl privelege denied. Back in your cage."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man A: A Rumor

Q: Why don't men need to be smart, handsome or sensitive? A: Because we run the fucking world and if you don't like it, too goddamn bad. Now get back to scrubbing my toilet while I make important decisions on abortions.

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety! Gotta love that fairy!

A man and his wife are celebrating 40 years of daily black eyes to explain to her friends. The wife is on Oxycontin because she's old and is too much of a pussy to take the pain like any man could. She hallucinates because the dumb bitch chewed the pills and thinks she sees a fairy. The illusion goes on for a while, and the husband gets sick of it and clocks her so hard that she fucking dies. Gotta love that fist.

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Dear woman. You're not getting any of those because you're a woman. -God

Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: Why do stupid women make up shitty jokes about men? A: Because they don't have the integrity, intelligence, or scrote to beat out a man in the real world.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.

Q: What do you call the wife of the handcuffed man?
A: A corpse

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How stupid can you be to fuck up a simple smothering?
A: As stupid as the bitch who wrote that joke.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Men don't ever whistle on the toilet. Period. No man ever wipes his dick. Period. Women actually do have two ends to wipe, and if they're especially stupid, they wipe back to front and get toxic shock syndrome. And that's way funnier than the "joke" you just told me.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Q: Why don't men read your e-mails or instruction manuals (instruction manual is not a proper noun, by the way)?
A: We don't want to read the boring ramblings of you and your dumb friends. And since we're smarter than women, we don't need to be told how to use something.

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

Send this to no women because there is no such thing as a bright or funny woman.

Send this to no men because we already know this shit and don't need to have it repeated like some kind of stupid creature with two X chromosomes. Variety kicks ass, that's why only men get a variety of chromosomes.